I'm so stupid....

Right now I want to vomit and cry.

An hour ago I wanted to scream. Which resulted in stupidity on my part and the new feelings.

Long story short I still have some days where I can not handle all the pressure of life. I start to feel like maybe I've beaten this ppd and then a crazy day happens and it's clear I haven't. My biggest problem is how angry I get. Well today despite all the really great moments in it I also was struggling emotionally, and tonight I was so frustrated and angry and just overwhelmed I threw my iphone. I was aiming for my bed. You know to get the relief of having thrown something without the risk. Well I missed. My phone smashed off the solid wood footboard and came flying back straight at me. Luckily I wasn't hit ( I was  holding Ty).

Now my screen is smashed to shit. And I am on the verge of crying my eyes out because of my stupidity. I'm trying not to count on it but really really hoping that I can get a new screen... The phone itself seems to be working fine, siri is turned on so I can have her send messages and read them back to me. I will test it tomorrow to make sure I can still send and receive phone calls.

I can't afford a new phone. I'm on mat leave, and hubby is having to take unpaid holidays because work is slow for him. Affording a repair is going to be difficult as well.

That phone is my lifeline. It's how people like our daycare provider keep in touch with me. It's what makes me feel safe when I am out driving around in my car.

So so stupid.

Still going "strong"

Remember back when when Ty was only a few months old and I wrote this post?

Well we are still at it. And yes we are still having trouble.

It has been an exhausting ride breastfeeding this kid. As I said last time I've had mastitis multiple times, cracked nipples, and ongoing thrush issues.  Things seem to clear up and look good but then trouble starts right back up again.

My left nipple took 7 months to heal. Not even kidding, when I wrote about cracked nipples in that last post (he was almost 3 months old) the left one stayed damaged up until about a week ago. The turning point was it getting noticeably infected and the doctor had to write me a prescription for antibiotics. I think it startled her to see there was actual puss on my nipple, ya it was that bad. Partially because it was disguised as  combined with thrush again. It had also started to bleed from somewhere in the center of my nipple. I've searched google for help with that one but I can't find anything that describes what was happening. It was like instead of milk coming out of one of the ducts blood would come out instead. Milk blisters maybe?

Seriously hot mess over here.

I tried to give him formula. But he threw that up and now we know he has FPIES so if I were wanting to give him formula it would have to be some crazy allergen free expensive shit.  How am I supposed to justify spending that money when I have a free source of nutrition right here? I can't. No matter how miserable I get some days (those days are getting fewer).

Right now we are switching up our positioning and trying to get a better latch going again. It seems the appearance of his two bottom teeth (I've been horrible with updates) has caused some issues with latching. Now that the left side is healed my poor right nipple feels like it's going to be shredded off! That's been my good side all along!

Side note on pumping; I feel like I mentioned somewhere that it was taking forever to get any milk with my electric pump. Well I switched to a hand pump and holy mother of baby jesus I can now pump anywhere from 2-5oz in 5 minutes. jackpot! Who would have thought the hand pump would take the win! So glad I tried it, I still don't have more than two days worth stashed in my freezer but hopefully as Ty starts to eat more I will have more chances to pump and freeze it.

Until then we will continue on fighting this battle, both of us are two stubborn to do any different. He gets it from his momma ;)

Rainy Day play

Have I mentioned that I hate Tuesdays? For some reason it is just the worst day of the week for me. 

Days like today have the potential to be major meltdown (mommy and kiddos) days; it's Tuesday AND it's a gloomy rainy day. 

We started out rough but quickly turned into tons of fun cutting up and taping cardboard boxes. We have tons of boxes, especially the huggies wipes boxes from Costco. 

They are the perfect size for making a little cardboard car for a seven month old and toddler :) 

Ty was loving it. This kid is always happy but he was ecstatic in that box. 

We also had a large box from Mav's new car seat. Last month we bought the same one for my car (and love it so we bought another) and I really wanted to do something fun with the box but hubby tossed it. This time I remembered to tell him my plans and turned it into a little house. 

 

Testing it out before I made the roof :)

It was such a fun morning! I didn't even need to resort to Pinterest for any more fun ideas the boxes have lasted us all day. Even after nap they were still fun! 

So potential crisis averted and we survived a Tuesday. The sun even came out and we walked to get the mail and played outside a bit before the storm came. 

They are calling for more rain this week so wish us luck! 

Sunday Social

 

1. What is your favourite scary movie?
 I do not like scary movies. Not one little bit. They terrify me, even as an adult I have intense terrifying nightmares after watching one. Especially the ones with zombies. Hate them all!

2. What is your favourite weird tv show you think no one else watches?
I wish I got to watch tv more... The shows I do get to watch are fairly popular (Big Brother starts next week!)Hubby pretty much monopolizes the tv and I tend to get my geek on with the computer

3. What is the song you can sing all the words to without any music?
These days pretty much any Raffi song or other random child song. Seriously these questions are making me realize I need more me time lol

4. What is your favourite book to re read?
Tuesdays with Morrie. Love that book. If you haven't read it I won't ask questions just go find it now ;)

5. The one website you visit more times daily than others?
Did anyone not answer facebook for this one?? hahaha I'm probably on there 10 + times a day. That's the my life on maternity leave :)

Mav allergy update

So on the topic of allergies I am pleased to say that Mav apparently does not have any.

Any IgE allergies that is; now knowing what I know about FPIES I am certain Mav's past reactions to banana's were FPIES reactions. But that will be something we explore on a different day.

As for the reactions he has been having since last summer, apparently he is not allergic to anything. He has recently been tested for seasonal environmental allergens and passed all those, he also passed two rounds of skin prick testing to check for common allergens as well as check some of the things we felt he was reacting to.

They all came back clear.

Now I should be jumping for joy with news like that, and believe me I am happy but that epi pen will not be leaving his bag any time soon. He has been participating in an allergy study since birth and one of the researchers commented on his reactions basically thinking that he may not be actually reacting but instead may just be overly sensitive. So for instance when I give him food that has ketchup on it, or ketchup to dip into his lips will start to look a little funny after a few bites. Same thing happened with chips he was given, and olives, and hotdogs.... It is the only pattern that seems to make sense. We were thinking his was having allergic reactions when that may not have been the case after all. Actually we know he's not allergic to those foods because of the testing.

So it makes it a little easier to go ahead and let him eat things, but I would be lieing if I said I wasn't nervous each time it happens. I try to limit those foods just in case.

The allergy study recently contacted us to actually do some blood work and use him as the non allergic control half of the next portion of the study. So we will be signing up for that. I really wish I had of signed Ty up for all of this, he would have made for a more interesting subject.

FPIES update

Just over a month ago we found out that Ty has FPIES; a type of allergy that results in delayed reactions primarily affecting the GI system. For Ty that meant 2 hours after eating the trigger food he gets violently ill, his last reaction was to oats and he ended up at the hospital with shock symptoms.

We still haven't been to see the specialist in his actual clinic, there was hope that they would be scheduling something in the month of June but the doctor said it would be most likely be July. After our little mini crash course with him I took it upon myself to find out everything I could to help prepare myself for what lies ahead. A lot of what I have found is terrifying. Some of these poor kids have very few safe foods. These parents monitor every little symptom their child shows and relate it to being FPIES related. Things like stomach cramps, FPIES. Reflux, FPIES. Poor sleep, mood changes, constipation and diarrhea, FPIES. Apparently There are kids with Chronic FPIES reactions (most of the above symptoms) that last longer periods of time from what I can tell, and then there are Acute reactions which is what Ty has.

My poor little brain has so much to learn.

So armed with my new knowledge and my starter list from the doctor we began our food trials. I found a dairy and soy free rice cereal which Ty hated. He hated it so much that I am not really comfortable saying it was a pass, after two days of force feeding it to him I moved on to sweet potatoes. Not only did he love those but they were a definite pass. Things were looking great, he was back to pooping regularly and overall doing great. Next up was squash. The doctor did not specify which kind so I asked the  "expert" moms on one of the facebook groups I have joined and it sounds like I will need to trial all different kinds. So far we have tried butternut, and although he has not vomited from it I am hesitant to call it a pass right yet. Some external factors like my left nipple cracking and him ingesting lots of blood have made for some funny stools and make it difficult to know what exactly is happening.

Since those were the only three foods the doctor listed us to start with I decided to go ahead and make the decision of what food we were trying next. I figure we will need to try most things anyways so I picked plums. I wanted something that will hopefully help him to become more regular, I think my next choice will be another fruit for the same reason. So far we are on day three of plums and everything is looking great. They are a little bitter tasting (I chose black) but if I mix it with breast milk he gobbles it right up and is yelling for more. This kid just can not get enough food.

I have a small calendar book that I have now dedicated to tracking child related things like illness and food trials. I probably should have started something like that when Mav was younger, poor kid has been sick so many times it would have been useful when talking to doctors. Anyways I like that I can plan ahead using the monthly calendar and I've created a symbol legend for poops and illness etc. I log the info in more detail on the daily pages, each day being sure to include what it was Ty ate and how much. Part of me wants to just be carefree with all of this and wonders if it is a bit much at times but then I remember feeding Ty will not be carefree for a few years* (hopefully he will outgrow it by age 3 with the majority). When planning the food trials its also helpful to see the calendar when planning since I do not want to risk a hospital trip on a day when I am alone with two kids.

So as of right now our food stats stand as follows:

Safe Foods
- sweet potato

Trigger Foods
- Oats
- Dairy (assumed)
- Soy (assumed)

Uncertains
- Butternut squash
- black plums

"What do you mean it's all gone!?!?"

Hello? Is anyone out there???

Man it's like a ghost town around here. And by here I am referring to my neighborhood in the blog world. It seems everyone on my reading list has gone on hiatus, slowly over the past few months less and less posts are being written. What happened?

I know I am guilty of this as well. I mean well I promise. Life with two kids is busy, and I think you get so used to not having things to say. Or I realize I am late at posting and then stress about being late with an update and then decide its too late and don't post anything.

I need some new blogs to read, maybe that would help me feel motivated again. Now to just find some more blogs.... anyone out there?

Maybe a smoke signal would help ;)

While I am here I may as well give a quick update as to what has been going on.

Ty has started his food trials, no word yet when he goes to the specialist which makes me think July.
Mav is potty training! My baby wears undies!
Ty is now 6 months and has a tooth.
Mood wise I'm still not 100 percent but doing better. Still battling this au natural but did come close to getting meds from the doctor.

And that's it.
Really.
No wonder I never blog!

Until next time.