I'm sitting in my 3 week old baby's nursery with him snug against my chest as I rock back and forth in his glider.
There are tears streaming down my face as he screams in my ear. If I hold him tight enough he's at peace, and it actually seems to help the gas that's built up inside that little helpless belly.
My baby has colic.
As if emotionally new motherhood wasn't challenging enough on its own, 4 days ago this new screaming phase started. He sleeps, wakes up screaming, nurses, sleeps, nurses, a little bit of awake and happy time if were lucky then back to sleep, wake screaming... See the pattern?
The first week the challenge was sleep (and lack of mobility, let's not forget physically were still healing from the emergency c section). Week one was mostly happy thoughts, still the dream phase where reality hasn't set in. There was lots of naps and physical exhaustion as we learned to cope.
Week two was about learning patterns of this little one. I cried a lot but only because the simplest commercial would set off the hormonal waterworks. There were a few moments where I felt down, almost sad, but they easily passed.
I've still yet to successfully do anything with my day other than eat, sleep and nurse (a lot of nursing). MV is a comfort nurser, and smuggler. He needs to be held, by me. And only me. Hubby tries but MV usually won't calm for him. It's frustrating. Frustrating for everyone involved, I feel bad for hubby because I know its hard for him to not have that bond, and to fail each time he attempts bonding time. Frustrating as well to feel like everything is on me.
Add into the mix the anxiety of finding out there's an infection in my incision, and having to take antibiotics that have been known to cause allergic reactions in people with penicillin allergies (that would be me), no reaction so far thankfully.
I'm hoping and praying this colic does not last for long. I honestly don't know how much I can take. I don't want to rush time, I want to enjoy every moment while MV is tiny like this but come 3pm the screaming starts and I'm waiting for midnight. Because at least at midnight he will sleep for 2-3 hour stretches, up until that point it's all screams, cluster feeding and cat naps.
When people ask how were doing I lie. Because when your honest like this all you get is responses like "oh well my little one did this..." or " don't tell me about lack of sleep..." its not what I want to hear. All people need to do is acknowledge that it sucks. Don't tell me how your life was harder it doesn't help me.
I'm exhausted. I don't know if this even makes sense or if I'm rambling but I'm too tired to proof read.
It's time to nurse again.
Oh and I'm not complaining, just being honest.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Feb 26, 2012
I was very diligent at tracking the progress of MS's birth, I think everyone else thought I was crazy but I wanted to remember exactly how it all happened...
At 2:15am on Sunday February 26, 2012 I woke like every morning needing to go the bathroom. Frequent pee breaks were nothing new so I didn't think much of it as I rolled myself out of bed. On my way to the bathroom I realized my stomach was crampy, they didn't feel like I imagined contractions would feel so the thought didn't even cross my mind. My first clue should have been the way my body emptied itself when I got to the bathroom, the next should have been the way the cramping increased on my way back to bed... But wether it was my exhaustion or my reluctance to believe I finally was in labor I still climbed back into bed not giving it too much thought.
Once back in bed however things were becoming a bit more obvious, by this point nothing was comfortable no matter which way I lay. My cramping was coming and going and becoming more distinct. I felt it mainly across my pelvic area between my hips but my lower back had a dull ache to it too. Every now and then the cramping was extending to the top of my stomach.
At 3:00am I woke hubby and told him my suspicions, I used an app on my iPod and started to time my contractions, they were irregular lasting anywhere from 30-60 seconds every 2-3 mins. At 3:15 I decided to call labor and delivery to get some advice, everything I knew before had escaped my brain I felt lost and anxious. They told us to keep timing, and come in if they increased in severity, came less than 1 minute apart and were lasting longer than a minute. To me that sounded like we were waiting to the last minute but I hung up and tried to sleep. The next 3 hours flew by, sleep was not an option so I continued to time the contractions and tried to "rest" in-between.
By 6:15 we were in our car on route to the hospital. We made a quick stop to buy gaterade and a coffee for hubby and I called my mom and hubbys dad to fill them in.
We were admitted to the labor ward at 7:15. The doctor had examined me and I was 4cm dilated and my membranes were bulging. The contractions were less regular at this point but stronger and longer lasting. They brought us to our delivery room and we made ourselves comfortable. By this time my mom had arrived and kept us company and distracted.
I had decided during my pregnancy that I wanted to give natural childbirth a try. I know people have different ideas of what that means, to me natural childbirth is vaginal delivery without medications such as epidural or other narcotics etc. The thought of being paralyzed by the epidural even tho temporary frightened me. I wasn't against it completely but I wanted to see how I could do on my own. The nurse brought out the birthing ball and for the first few hours I bounced and swayed on that. It was extremely helpful for me, a lot of my discomfort at that time was through my hips and sitting on the ball really helped relieve it. I had brought music and magazines for distraction but didn't use them, when it came down to the contractions I found it best to just breathe and concentrate on working my way through them.
At about 10:15am the doctor returned to check me and break my water since it had not yet on it's own. In preparation for stronger contractions we decided to bring in the nitrous gas incase I needed to take the edge off. The hope was that by breaking my water it would help me progress at a good rate. It worked and by 12 noon I was 7-8cm.
The contractions were definatly stronger but knowing I was so close helped psych me up to keep that epidural out of my back. I had been huffing back some of the gas on occasion but I made it to 8 cm without it and something had to give. The gas was wierd, at first it made me woozy sort of like that predrunk sort of feeling I almost pushed it aside but like drinking you have to just keep going and get past that feeling lol.
Over the next hour I really started feeling pressure down below in addition to the contractions. It felt like I had to push but I knew it was too early. I told my nurse how I was feeling and she checked me again at 1:00pm. 8cm no more no less. I was given strict instructions not to push and they would check again in an hour. By this time I was too uncomfortable to sit on the ball so I hung out in bed. And by hung out I mean I clenched the bed rail with all my strength for each pressure filled contraction trying what felt like to hold this baby in.
An hour came and went with no change. The morning had flown by but i remember these couple hours mid day just dragging on. The pressure was becoming unbearable, with each contraction I had to fight my body's urge to push and I could no longer relax. If your body can't relax your body won't progress. MV was putting so much pressure on my cervix that it was starting to swell and we were stuck at 8cm still. His head was basically stuck because of the swelling, he continued to try to push through and instead of dilating more his pushing was doing the opposite only causing more swelling.
I caved and asked for the epidural. I knew without it things could stretch out a lot longer and get a lot tougher for both of us. I dont know if it's been mentioned on this blog or not but I have Epilepsy, so at this point in labor I'm starting to have to consider the risks the stress was having on my body I did not want to seize and cause any complications.
Once the epidural was in place and working my whole body just relaxed. It was great. I managed to get some much needed sleep and thankfully continued to dilate.
Just before 7pm I started to shiver, my skin was warm to touch and I thought it was just the epidural. I found out later that my nurse was worried by this but she had kept it to herself. 7pm was shift change the new nurse came in to assess us and that's when things started to happen fast.
I had a fever, it wasn't crazy high yet but high enough you could see the concern on her face. MV's heart rate was jumping high as well. After the nurse checking both of us multiple times the doctor finally arrived. She too was concerned about the fever and MVs heart rate. They stuck a probe up my hooha to get a more accurate reading. His baseline heart rate was over 200 at this point and jumping dangerously high with each contraction. In a matter of seconds I was signing consents and being wisked down the hall to the OR. I remember crying because I was scared, not of the surgery but because I was afraid something would be wrong with my baby.
Once in the OR the blue curtain went up as they prepped me for surgery, they had to pump me full of the epidural to make sure I was fully blocked (there had been a spot by my right hip where I could still feel the contractions) once I was ready they let hubby into the room and began.
At 7:59, only minutes after beginning MV was born. I felt some tugging and discomfort as they pulled him out, it was an odd sensation I can't really describe.
Hubby snapped some pictures and followed them to the other side of the room where the nicu team assessed MV. He did great apgar scores of 9 and did not need any time in the nicu. Hubby got to hold him right away and they came and sat with me while I was being stitched up.
That was the worst part, I felt nauseous and dry heaved as they fixed me up. It took forever. During this time I was unaware but my blood pressure dropped dangerously low and they gave me something by IV to correct it. I don't remember too much at this point it was all a haze. Since they pumped me so full of the epidural I was numb from the shoulders down, I had to wait on the operating table until I had feeling in my arms then I was finally allowed to go into recovery. I had to remain on my left side (not that I could have moved if I wanted to) until I had feeling back in my toes.
I "held" MV as they rolled me back to recovery, once there the nurse helped me get some skin to skin with him and we had our first attempt to latch. This part was really frustrating for me, I was useless, I could barely move but the nurse got him latched on.
Eventually we got to go to the post partum ward. I was exhausted, it was such a long day and it didn't go exactly as planned but the end result was all that mattered. I wasn't upset or disappointed for getting the epidural or that we ended up in the OR because in the end MV was here and healthy. <3
At 2:15am on Sunday February 26, 2012 I woke like every morning needing to go the bathroom. Frequent pee breaks were nothing new so I didn't think much of it as I rolled myself out of bed. On my way to the bathroom I realized my stomach was crampy, they didn't feel like I imagined contractions would feel so the thought didn't even cross my mind. My first clue should have been the way my body emptied itself when I got to the bathroom, the next should have been the way the cramping increased on my way back to bed... But wether it was my exhaustion or my reluctance to believe I finally was in labor I still climbed back into bed not giving it too much thought.
Once back in bed however things were becoming a bit more obvious, by this point nothing was comfortable no matter which way I lay. My cramping was coming and going and becoming more distinct. I felt it mainly across my pelvic area between my hips but my lower back had a dull ache to it too. Every now and then the cramping was extending to the top of my stomach.
At 3:00am I woke hubby and told him my suspicions, I used an app on my iPod and started to time my contractions, they were irregular lasting anywhere from 30-60 seconds every 2-3 mins. At 3:15 I decided to call labor and delivery to get some advice, everything I knew before had escaped my brain I felt lost and anxious. They told us to keep timing, and come in if they increased in severity, came less than 1 minute apart and were lasting longer than a minute. To me that sounded like we were waiting to the last minute but I hung up and tried to sleep. The next 3 hours flew by, sleep was not an option so I continued to time the contractions and tried to "rest" in-between.
By 6:15 we were in our car on route to the hospital. We made a quick stop to buy gaterade and a coffee for hubby and I called my mom and hubbys dad to fill them in.
We were admitted to the labor ward at 7:15. The doctor had examined me and I was 4cm dilated and my membranes were bulging. The contractions were less regular at this point but stronger and longer lasting. They brought us to our delivery room and we made ourselves comfortable. By this time my mom had arrived and kept us company and distracted.
I had decided during my pregnancy that I wanted to give natural childbirth a try. I know people have different ideas of what that means, to me natural childbirth is vaginal delivery without medications such as epidural or other narcotics etc. The thought of being paralyzed by the epidural even tho temporary frightened me. I wasn't against it completely but I wanted to see how I could do on my own. The nurse brought out the birthing ball and for the first few hours I bounced and swayed on that. It was extremely helpful for me, a lot of my discomfort at that time was through my hips and sitting on the ball really helped relieve it. I had brought music and magazines for distraction but didn't use them, when it came down to the contractions I found it best to just breathe and concentrate on working my way through them.
At about 10:15am the doctor returned to check me and break my water since it had not yet on it's own. In preparation for stronger contractions we decided to bring in the nitrous gas incase I needed to take the edge off. The hope was that by breaking my water it would help me progress at a good rate. It worked and by 12 noon I was 7-8cm.
The contractions were definatly stronger but knowing I was so close helped psych me up to keep that epidural out of my back. I had been huffing back some of the gas on occasion but I made it to 8 cm without it and something had to give. The gas was wierd, at first it made me woozy sort of like that predrunk sort of feeling I almost pushed it aside but like drinking you have to just keep going and get past that feeling lol.
Over the next hour I really started feeling pressure down below in addition to the contractions. It felt like I had to push but I knew it was too early. I told my nurse how I was feeling and she checked me again at 1:00pm. 8cm no more no less. I was given strict instructions not to push and they would check again in an hour. By this time I was too uncomfortable to sit on the ball so I hung out in bed. And by hung out I mean I clenched the bed rail with all my strength for each pressure filled contraction trying what felt like to hold this baby in.
An hour came and went with no change. The morning had flown by but i remember these couple hours mid day just dragging on. The pressure was becoming unbearable, with each contraction I had to fight my body's urge to push and I could no longer relax. If your body can't relax your body won't progress. MV was putting so much pressure on my cervix that it was starting to swell and we were stuck at 8cm still. His head was basically stuck because of the swelling, he continued to try to push through and instead of dilating more his pushing was doing the opposite only causing more swelling.
I caved and asked for the epidural. I knew without it things could stretch out a lot longer and get a lot tougher for both of us. I dont know if it's been mentioned on this blog or not but I have Epilepsy, so at this point in labor I'm starting to have to consider the risks the stress was having on my body I did not want to seize and cause any complications.
Once the epidural was in place and working my whole body just relaxed. It was great. I managed to get some much needed sleep and thankfully continued to dilate.
Just before 7pm I started to shiver, my skin was warm to touch and I thought it was just the epidural. I found out later that my nurse was worried by this but she had kept it to herself. 7pm was shift change the new nurse came in to assess us and that's when things started to happen fast.
I had a fever, it wasn't crazy high yet but high enough you could see the concern on her face. MV's heart rate was jumping high as well. After the nurse checking both of us multiple times the doctor finally arrived. She too was concerned about the fever and MVs heart rate. They stuck a probe up my hooha to get a more accurate reading. His baseline heart rate was over 200 at this point and jumping dangerously high with each contraction. In a matter of seconds I was signing consents and being wisked down the hall to the OR. I remember crying because I was scared, not of the surgery but because I was afraid something would be wrong with my baby.
Once in the OR the blue curtain went up as they prepped me for surgery, they had to pump me full of the epidural to make sure I was fully blocked (there had been a spot by my right hip where I could still feel the contractions) once I was ready they let hubby into the room and began.
At 7:59, only minutes after beginning MV was born. I felt some tugging and discomfort as they pulled him out, it was an odd sensation I can't really describe.
Hubby snapped some pictures and followed them to the other side of the room where the nicu team assessed MV. He did great apgar scores of 9 and did not need any time in the nicu. Hubby got to hold him right away and they came and sat with me while I was being stitched up.
That was the worst part, I felt nauseous and dry heaved as they fixed me up. It took forever. During this time I was unaware but my blood pressure dropped dangerously low and they gave me something by IV to correct it. I don't remember too much at this point it was all a haze. Since they pumped me so full of the epidural I was numb from the shoulders down, I had to wait on the operating table until I had feeling in my arms then I was finally allowed to go into recovery. I had to remain on my left side (not that I could have moved if I wanted to) until I had feeling back in my toes.
I "held" MV as they rolled me back to recovery, once there the nurse helped me get some skin to skin with him and we had our first attempt to latch. This part was really frustrating for me, I was useless, I could barely move but the nurse got him latched on.
Eventually we got to go to the post partum ward. I was exhausted, it was such a long day and it didn't go exactly as planned but the end result was all that mattered. I wasn't upset or disappointed for getting the epidural or that we ended up in the OR because in the end MV was here and healthy. <3
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Our first week
I'm going to start by saying I've decided to refer to Baby V by his initials MV if I keep this blog long enough there will be another baby v so he should have his own name.
We have officially been home a week now and what a week it has been! Full of appointments, and diapers and sleepless nights we've survived.
The first night home was rough. I thought for sure I had the wrong baby, he had been so calm and relaxed in the hospital but that first night home he was freaking out. Up all night, insanely fussy, troubles latching. My mom arrived at 7 am the next morning and in tears I handed him over, it was too much.
Since that night we have made so much progress. Meltdowns are fewer (both his and mine) and we are even developing a bit of a routine.
Breastfeeding continues to be a work in progress, he's latching well 90% of the time. We alternate between a football hold and cross cradle depending on his preference at the time. The public health nurse came on Friday to assess him and check his weight. MV's birth weight was 7lbs15.5oz and leaving the hospital he had dropped 9.2% to 7lbs4oz. As of Friday he was back up to 7.8 which is reassuring were doing something right. We see the lactation consultant tomorrow so he will be weighed again.
We are working on sorting out our day vs nights. The past two nights have been great with 2-3 hours of sleep between feeds. I'm feeling more rested which is very good! It's hard to keep a 10 day old infant awake but that's the plan for evenings, lots of awake time and cluster feeding. We have a big feed between 11-12 and that starts our night pattern. Fingers crossed we can keep it up.
MV had his first doctors appointment, everything went well. We forgot to ask a few questions, specifically about circumcision options. We need more info before we decide what to do in regards to that... Medically speaking I have seen the potential complications from not doing it but it's also deemed not nessicary... decisions decisions...
We had our first tummy time last night, we had to wait for his cord to fall off first. He's got a really strong neck so he did very well his first time. We skipped today because I'm not feeling that well but we'll get back into it tomorrow.
In hospital MV failed his hearing test in his left ear so we went today to be re tested. A lot of babies require retesting for a variety of reasons so I wasn't worried and he did amazing. There is no doubt he has perfect hearing.
MV physically has changed do much this week as well, I'm taking lots of pictures to capture each little thing. His features are different each day I can't wait to see who/what he truly looks like. He's starting to pay more attention and follow things with his eyes, I've been recognizable being I'm the food source lol but daddy also is becoming a voice and face MV is starting to pay more attention too.
I'm sure there's lot of other things I could tell you, but you may not wish to read every little detail lol. I'm tired of course so I'm struggling to think if there's anything else worth sharing. I could do a whole other post on how "I" specifically am and probably will.
MV's birth story is also a work in progress, I have all the facts just trying to make it flow as nice as others I've read ;)
And now it is time for another feed and start the process of preparing for bed.
:)
We have officially been home a week now and what a week it has been! Full of appointments, and diapers and sleepless nights we've survived.
The first night home was rough. I thought for sure I had the wrong baby, he had been so calm and relaxed in the hospital but that first night home he was freaking out. Up all night, insanely fussy, troubles latching. My mom arrived at 7 am the next morning and in tears I handed him over, it was too much.
Since that night we have made so much progress. Meltdowns are fewer (both his and mine) and we are even developing a bit of a routine.
Breastfeeding continues to be a work in progress, he's latching well 90% of the time. We alternate between a football hold and cross cradle depending on his preference at the time. The public health nurse came on Friday to assess him and check his weight. MV's birth weight was 7lbs15.5oz and leaving the hospital he had dropped 9.2% to 7lbs4oz. As of Friday he was back up to 7.8 which is reassuring were doing something right. We see the lactation consultant tomorrow so he will be weighed again.
We are working on sorting out our day vs nights. The past two nights have been great with 2-3 hours of sleep between feeds. I'm feeling more rested which is very good! It's hard to keep a 10 day old infant awake but that's the plan for evenings, lots of awake time and cluster feeding. We have a big feed between 11-12 and that starts our night pattern. Fingers crossed we can keep it up.
MV had his first doctors appointment, everything went well. We forgot to ask a few questions, specifically about circumcision options. We need more info before we decide what to do in regards to that... Medically speaking I have seen the potential complications from not doing it but it's also deemed not nessicary... decisions decisions...
We had our first tummy time last night, we had to wait for his cord to fall off first. He's got a really strong neck so he did very well his first time. We skipped today because I'm not feeling that well but we'll get back into it tomorrow.
In hospital MV failed his hearing test in his left ear so we went today to be re tested. A lot of babies require retesting for a variety of reasons so I wasn't worried and he did amazing. There is no doubt he has perfect hearing.
MV physically has changed do much this week as well, I'm taking lots of pictures to capture each little thing. His features are different each day I can't wait to see who/what he truly looks like. He's starting to pay more attention and follow things with his eyes, I've been recognizable being I'm the food source lol but daddy also is becoming a voice and face MV is starting to pay more attention too.
I'm sure there's lot of other things I could tell you, but you may not wish to read every little detail lol. I'm tired of course so I'm struggling to think if there's anything else worth sharing. I could do a whole other post on how "I" specifically am and probably will.
MV's birth story is also a work in progress, I have all the facts just trying to make it flow as nice as others I've read ;)
And now it is time for another feed and start the process of preparing for bed.
:)
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Day 4
Well he's here!
I'll post his "birth story" at some point over the the next week. I can't say when of course being we have a newborn but also his birth did not go as smooth as anticipated and I'm now recovering from an emergency c section. Everyone is doing great tho :)
Baby V, aka Mad Dogg (keeping up theme with cousin Nate Dogg)as referred to by family was born at 38 weeks exactly Sunday February 26th at 7:59 pm. Birth weight was 7lbs 15oz, and 19 3/4 inches long.
For the most part he is very relaxed, last night was our first night home and up until 10pm it was great. After that was hell... Not gonna lie... We are having some troubles with latching and staying latched but hopefully this will be resolved sooner than later.
That is all for now, I'll leave you with some pictures. He is changing so much every day!
Oh and quick hello and welcome to my new baby bump followers! :)
I'll post his "birth story" at some point over the the next week. I can't say when of course being we have a newborn but also his birth did not go as smooth as anticipated and I'm now recovering from an emergency c section. Everyone is doing great tho :)
Baby V, aka Mad Dogg (keeping up theme with cousin Nate Dogg)as referred to by family was born at 38 weeks exactly Sunday February 26th at 7:59 pm. Birth weight was 7lbs 15oz, and 19 3/4 inches long.
For the most part he is very relaxed, last night was our first night home and up until 10pm it was great. After that was hell... Not gonna lie... We are having some troubles with latching and staying latched but hopefully this will be resolved sooner than later.
That is all for now, I'll leave you with some pictures. He is changing so much every day!
Oh and quick hello and welcome to my new baby bump followers! :)
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