Webster's defines co parenting as the "shared duties of bringing up a child". It is often made in reference to a divorced couple raising their children while living separately. When really co parenting also describes two parents who are still living under the same roof. It is something my husband and I are failing at miserably.
And because we are failing so miserably everyone's lives (hubby, Mav and mine) are in turn miserable. No one is happy here these days, no matter how promising the day starts.
No this is not a post looking for encouragement and people to say we are doing great. This is the truth, the ugly truth and I am being honest.
So why is this happening? Why is everyone so miserable? What could we possibly be doing that's so wrong. I will start by stating the obvious differences in our upbringings.
Hubby grew up with parents who attempted to be married while making each other miserable. Discipline was forced and coincided with raised voices and negative exchanges of words.
I grew up with a mother who had multiple failed relationships and pushed strongly for independence and feelings of self worth in her children. Discipline was more positive and involved talking about cause and effect of our behaviours. No force, no raised voices. Never were we ever made to feel bad about ourselves when being disciplined.
Flash forward to these two people dealing with a toddler prematurely entering the "terrible two" phase. We disagree on how to deal with temper tantrums and everything else. If voices are raised Mav's behaviours get worse. And I am not innocent with this one, my voice raises. I do my best to balance it with positive reinforcement and take the time to explain to him why he can not behave in certain ways.
A typical day looks like this. Mav pushes the boundaries and gets himself worked up which in turn increases the stress level of said parents. One of the parents then takes it upon themselves to manage the situation in a way opposite of what the other feels is right. Said parents then start fighting. Fighting parents then trigger Mav to increase behaviours to the next level. Parents fight more, one gives up while saying relationship damaging words to the other. Remaining parent gets Mav under control and finishes parenting duties. Parents continue to fight after Mav is in bed, go to bed with issues unresolved. The threat of divorce is thrown out there, sometimes a productive conversation occurs attempting to find resolution. However nothing ever changes and it all repeats the next day.
Now I realize I am much more shall we say hormonal this pregnancy, but I sadly do not think this is the cause of these issues. I search the Internet wide and far looking for insight on how to better manage these things. But things will only get better if everyone involved actually tries. One person can simply not sit back nod wait for the other to change before they try, it has to happen together. And you can't make someone change, or want to change. Especially when that someone blames the other as the main cause of everything wrong in their life.
I have suggested counseling, everything imaginable but only one person going does not work.
I feel like I am standing in a small dark room and I am very worried about the upbringing of my children. I love my husband more than anything in the world, we have always been slightly dis functional when it came to how we deal with things. But now with children involved I worry about what our relationship will do to them. I do not want my children to grow up feeling the way my husband has expressed being made felt by his parents. But I have no clue how to make sure this does not happen. I can't control or change the way my husband parents, and let me say that from what I know despite the similarities he is not as harsh a parent as his.
At this point I don't see a resolution. And that worries me, makes me scared for my marriage.
