I'm sitting in my 3 week old baby's nursery with him snug against my chest as I rock back and forth in his glider.
There are tears streaming down my face as he screams in my ear. If I hold him tight enough he's at peace, and it actually seems to help the gas that's built up inside that little helpless belly.
My baby has colic.
As if emotionally new motherhood wasn't challenging enough on its own, 4 days ago this new screaming phase started. He sleeps, wakes up screaming, nurses, sleeps, nurses, a little bit of awake and happy time if were lucky then back to sleep, wake screaming... See the pattern?
The first week the challenge was sleep (and lack of mobility, let's not forget physically were still healing from the emergency c section). Week one was mostly happy thoughts, still the dream phase where reality hasn't set in. There was lots of naps and physical exhaustion as we learned to cope.
Week two was about learning patterns of this little one. I cried a lot but only because the simplest commercial would set off the hormonal waterworks. There were a few moments where I felt down, almost sad, but they easily passed.
I've still yet to successfully do anything with my day other than eat, sleep and nurse (a lot of nursing). MV is a comfort nurser, and smuggler. He needs to be held, by me. And only me. Hubby tries but MV usually won't calm for him. It's frustrating. Frustrating for everyone involved, I feel bad for hubby because I know its hard for him to not have that bond, and to fail each time he attempts bonding time. Frustrating as well to feel like everything is on me.
Add into the mix the anxiety of finding out there's an infection in my incision, and having to take antibiotics that have been known to cause allergic reactions in people with penicillin allergies (that would be me), no reaction so far thankfully.
I'm hoping and praying this colic does not last for long. I honestly don't know how much I can take. I don't want to rush time, I want to enjoy every moment while MV is tiny like this but come 3pm the screaming starts and I'm waiting for midnight. Because at least at midnight he will sleep for 2-3 hour stretches, up until that point it's all screams, cluster feeding and cat naps.
When people ask how were doing I lie. Because when your honest like this all you get is responses like "oh well my little one did this..." or " don't tell me about lack of sleep..." its not what I want to hear. All people need to do is acknowledge that it sucks. Don't tell me how your life was harder it doesn't help me.
I'm exhausted. I don't know if this even makes sense or if I'm rambling but I'm too tired to proof read.
It's time to nurse again.
Oh and I'm not complaining, just being honest.
4 comments:
Oh, I wanna give you a hug:-( Very little wears on you more than screaming that you can't fix...I never minded the crying, but if they cry and cry and there is nothing you can do for them, it is both heartbreaking and frazzling (is that a word?). One of mine had acid reflux that made eating really painful for her...and it almost made me want to cry every time she ate:-(
The good news is that babies change really fast, and all the time. Usually that is actually kind of frustrating because you finally figure out what works and then they change their mind...but it also often applies to the things you really want them to stop. So, you are probably not hoping against hope that he will pass through this colic phase, or that at a minimum it will get less acute.
Of course, then something else will bother him (teething is always a treat!), but that will bother you less, because by then you will know that everything comes and goes, and you will make it through!
That is probably what people are trying to say when they tell you how miserable their own babies were: "You WILL get through this. I did, and you at least as good at this as I am."
There is other good news...at some point, you are gonna get a decent night's sleep, and then the whole world will seem like a better place! I can't promise when, but it is gonna happen!
And finally, don't feel bad about wishing them through stages. I know some people lament the growing up that babies do, but I have cheered every single step, and I have always felt like I can't wait for them to get older. Babies totally suck...you can love yours and still acknowledge what a pain in the ass he is:-)
oh the postpartum crap is for the birds. I had it so bad with my daughter and then on top of it she got colic too. Hang in there, it to shall pass!! The only thing that seemed to help her with her colic was to give her mylicon with every single feeding. .3 ml right before I nursed her and it seemed to help calm her stomach. I hope he gets some relief soon and you too!
V!!! huge hugs to you, my friend! i'm really sorry that you're going through this. and mv too.
it doesn't sound like you're complaining one bit...being honest is the way to be <3
you will be in my prayers...i hope you get some relief and each day gets better.
you're a strong woman. i know that for sure!!
XOXOXOX
maria
Oh I feel for you, I really do! I remember feeling just a little bit of resentment about the constant nursing...every time the baby cried someone would say, "Oh, he must be hungry", in which i would scream, "HES NOT HUNGRY!!" It feels nice that baby only wants you... for about 5 seconds, then you begin to feel the frustration. It sucks big time. Feel better soon!
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