Hello Monday

I hope everyone had a nice weekend, the weather here had been fairly nice but with the exception of admiring it from inside my car as I drove around for work I didn't really get to enjoy it that much.

I've started to blog many times this past week, and each time I gave up. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the news I posted last about Hubby's cousin and her little family.

I don't remember if I told you ahead of time there was concern but basically this is the short version of it all: Being that she was pregnant with twins and considered high risk because of this fact alone girl cousin was having ultrasounds every 3 weeks. Baby "B" had always been measuring slightly smaller than baby "A". Two weeks ago the size difference between that two was becoming larger, and it was determined that baby "B"'s placenta had formed in a location that was causing him not to receive as much oxygen etc as he should. That is when they developed a plan to deliver early December and monitor them both with weekly ultrasounds.... Between that day and last Monday (7days) baby B's heart stopped. Baby b will stay where he is and deliver after his brother.

My understanding is that baby A is right on track where he should be for size. And the information that was given to family is that they may not deliver until their original due date late January. I haven't spoken to them personally yet so not too sure where things really stand. We chose not to partake in family dinner yesterday, not too sure if there even was one at hubby's aunts house. But if there was we figured we would stay away and let the immediate family be together.

This has all be very upsetting news of course. It's shocking because you know twins are high risk but you rarely hear about people losing them. For me this has caused the fear I experienced earlier to return again. Having had a loss myself I was scared from the beginning for this pregnancy, counting days and weeks until finally when I didn't notice the fear disappeared. But it's back. There was nothing she could have done to prevent it. That scares me beyond belief.

I also think of how she must be feeling now that she continues to carry both of her sons until the suriviving one is ready to be born. I had to go a week walking around knowing I had a missed miscarriage and I think I was a zombie. In my case I had only had 10 weeks of knowing I was pregnant. For her this is a fully formed baby in there, she is in her third trimester and potentially will be continuing on for another 8 or so weeks. She is stronger than me I don't know if I could do it.

I am very thankful for the little kicks I am feeling as I am writing this.
I am also very thankful to have successfully reached my 24 week milestone yesterday and to know if he needed to be born my son would stand a chance at survival.

My mood this last week has been frightened and low, but I feel it improving.