4cm

Admitted and dilated at 4cm.
That is all ;)

Giant Double Chocolate Cookies

Today I made cookies :)

I'm not much of a baker but I came across this recipe on Pinterest and happened to have all the ingredients. The recipe I followed came from this blog but according to her post it was originally posted here . Its super easy but rather than re post it again I'll just let you follow the links for the recipe.

Either way they are super soft and delicious and I didn't even burn them ;)
Hubby did hover in our tiny kitchen the whole time just to be sure I didn't mess it up (plus he wanted to lick the mixer stick thingys. Gross) 

The only thing I did different was use white chocolate chips as well as maybe half a cup of regular chips. Turns out I didn't have enough of the regular ones, someone used/ate them earlier this week... So I improvised. Hubby's only comment for improvement was that they weren't sweet enough. So maybe it's because I switched up the chips... Not sure. I'm for sure going to make them again so I'll have to make sure I have the proper kind next.

Our cookie jar we got for Christmas finally has cookies in it. I'm sure they won't last for long ;)

I took a few pics to share, we just might need to change the comment on the jar now!

Oh ya its winter!

Despite what we may have been led to believe it's still winter ;) there's proof of it today and they say a lot more is coming.

Baby V is still hanging out in utero, much to everyone including the Drs surprise. We've had false labour a few times this week but the little bugger is staying put. 37w6d today. If he's still in there at next weeks appointment I'm opting for a sweep.

Here are some winter pics along with one of the dog who happens to be on high alert this week not letting me far from her sight.

A year later - pt 2

 Warning this post contains some details and memories that might be difficult 

for some people to read. 

After finding out about our missed miscarriage  my body begun to finally remove

the previous embryo. This resulted in heavy bleeding at a rapid rate as I begun to 

hemorrhage uncontrollably. After trying to stop the bleeding with pitocin induced 

contractions, and sweeping my cervix for clots I was rushed into emergency surgery 

and told I was going to need a blood transfusion. 

This all occured between February 19th 2011 at 9pm and February 20th 2011 at 4am.

A few hours short of being exactly a year ago. 

 Originally written some time in March 2011 

"Last night as I lay in bed trying to sleep I kept thinking about that night. This 

happens every now and then when my mind is quiet. The memories creep back 

in like a bad dream, except it wasn't a dream. What I'm remembering was real. 

It usually starts like little flashbacks that then grow into a steady stream. I try not 

to think too long because the reality of it scares me. 

 The blood - It started that day like a heavy period, this I was expecting. After 

dinner it intensified and while in the washroom realized my pad was almost full. 

I told Hubby it was time to go home. While standing in the doorway waiting for 

him it really started to come - "forget home lets go to the hospital, something’s not

right" when we got to the hospital 25 minutes later there was a puddle on the seat

of the car and my pants were soaked.    

The triage nurse - it was his first night I remember he told me that as he gathered all 

my information. He seemed slightly excited and nervous at the same time. Later once 

in my room he came back to check on me
The parade of nurses - the senior more experienced nurses took over including 

the charge nurse, I forget all their names there were too many. I barely even saw

the nurse who had been assigned to me... she was young, maybe too new to 

handle a situation like mine.
The blood - I remember the feeling of the blood just pouring out, when it first 

started I only felt it when standing, now I was laying flat on my back and it 

was like someone had turned on a facet inside me.

The fear it wasn't going to stop

The IV's - There were two, one in my left wrist the other my right inner elbow. 

One failed attempt to put one in had left my left hand bruised and sore. The fluid 

going through them felt like ice cold water in my veins.  

The pain - In the beginning it was like period cramps, only much stronger and then 

the contractions started. This was their first plan to stop or at least slow the bleeding,

they gave me a drug called pitocin to make my body go into contractions. The 

contractions felt like intense muscle cramping raging through my whole body. First

it was a dull ache in my lower back, which then spread around my torso to my 

lower abdomen. Eventually I could feel it in my legs, neck and arms.  

My head hurt so badly - my left side of my face and temple like they were going to 

explode, the one nurse didn't seem to know why, I think it was the contractions. 

That didn't exactly make me feel better when she didn't know, now my mind

is running wild with possibilities "what if its a blood clot?" "Am I going to die?" 

The Doctor - "If we can't stop the bleeding were going to have to go to 

the OR" and then "nurse cross her blood type in case we need a transfusion" 

followed by "call gyne we need them now" Nurse: “we already paged a stat call" 

The Gynecologist - She told me we needed to do surgery to stop the bleeding,

"nothing else is working". There were risks involved, and a possibility it wouldn’t

even work. They couldn't find a cause for the hemorrhage so far.  
Being rushed down the corridor to the OR - I've walked those halls many 

times but it was all a blur no idea where I was, it seemed like one giant blur of

a tunnel. All I saw was the flash of the lights overhead and hear the footsteps

they were in a hurry. 

Kissing Hubby goodbye before going thru the giant double doors. I 

was still scared of the pain in my head and part of me worried I would never 

see him again. He looked scared too. 
The anesthetic - they put a mask on my face "breathe deeply" the pressure 

on my throat like someone was pushing down on it. 

Saying "I'm scared my head feels funny" seconds before I was out
Waking up - I could hear before I could see - I think I may have been responding 

to questions "open your eyes" feeling foggy then crying when they told me it was over  
 

We returned home the next morning at around 4am; both of us exhausted, 

me still slightly drugged. I remained in the drugged fog for about another 

48 or so hours before finally feeling like normal again. My body ached for 

days, all of my muscles felt like they had been through an intense workout. 

I could barely walk. "

A year later - pt 1

 This week has been a long one. Long for a couple of reasons, the most obvious to most people is that I am extremely pregnant and struggling. The other reason which is not obvious to the observer is that the past week mark the anniversary of our previous pregnancy.

I think I have been dealing quite well, it obviously has been on my mind, but I haven't broken down. Of course there has been grieving and I've gone through the potential scenarios of the "what ifs" and "how our life would be different" if the miscarriage had not of happened. But I am making a conscious effort to put my focus and energy into the life that's growing inside me right now. I think it really helps, I can't even imagine how I would be dealing if I didn't have this little one keeping my spirits up.

I have decided to go ahead and re share my previous posts about the miscarriage. I am posting it in 2 parts as it was done previous on my other blog.  I had started my first blog as a way of coping, and hoping to find others who had experienced loss so I wouldn't feel so alone. I found some of my regular readers that way and I appreciate everything I have learned from them.
So some of you may have read these posts already, but despite that I wanted to bring them here, to keep it all together in the case that I completely delete that blog one day. Also I found it much more therapeutic to re read these posts myself than try to write new ones at this time.

<3 

Originally written February 27, 2011. 


"Today was supposed to be an amazing day. I had it marked on the calendar for weeks, a select few already knew why and others were going to find out. It's the hardest thing sometimes to keep a secret, especially one that had been so exciting. I wanted to announce it to the world so everyone could share my happiness, but I knew better than to so that from watching othersand now more than ever am glad I kept my mouth shut. If you haven't caught my drift yet I'm referring to the fact that today was the day we were going to announce to our families that we were expecting. It hadn't been planned, but was an exciting and welcome surprise. And as the days went on it became more and more exciting. As weird as it may sound I even was excited when I started feeling the sickness. I refer to it as that because it never happened in the morning, only after dinner like clock work between 6&7 pm. I didn't need a watch I knew what time it was. 

Unfortunately it was all short lived, the tell tale physical symptoms (I had practically the whole list) only last about 2 weeks which I thought at the time was odd, but those that knew said I should feel lucky. I had my first prenatal appointment at 9 weeks 1 day, and everything appeared well. A few days later (9 weeks 5 days) we went for the ultrasound. I was so excited and nervous I'm surprised I didn't throw up. Excited to see that exciting little image on the screen, but also nervous at the way my body was feeling. Now here's the thing; I felt fine, great in fact. Too great, with everyday my body was feeling more and more normal and in my gut I think I knew what was happening but hoping I was wrong. The image on the screen didn't make me feel any better. Now the technician was unaware but during my nursing consolidation I had spent some time in the ultrasound lab, I had a general idea of what I was supposed to be seeing... And it wasn't there.

The image was too small, it looked like a blob, at almost 10 weeks it should be starting to resemble a baby and it didn't. So maybe the dates were just wrong, it happens to people, apparently it happened to my mom while pregnant with me... I think Hubby truly thought that's what had happened, but it was just one more thing for me to worry about. There was no heart beat either, although the technician and the hospital doctor didn't seem too concerned. This all happened on a Friday, the day my doctor is not working so I had to wait all weekend worrying. 

Come Monday I called my doctor trying to get some sort of relief, she had me come in to review the ultrasound. Inconclusive. WTF? What kind of results was that? Even she said the report was lacking in details, but hope was not lost (in her mind) we could just be a few weeks ahead of ourselves. So she sent me for blood work and the hospital would contact me for a follow up ultrasound. Two days later I had my confirmation. My hormone levels had indeed dropped, we weren't wrong with our dates, the baby had stopped growing. I was utterly devastated. It didn't seem fair, we were so excited, embracing our unplanned surprise and planning the future. Why did this happen to us? Was god punishing us? Did I do something wrong? I had so many questions running through my head all at the same time feelings of sadness and loss. All the answers I got were the same "it's not your fault", "you did nothing wrong", "it wasn't meant to be"... I know chances are it was simply nature’s way of weaning out the weak, developmentally something was wrong and my body recognized this rather than carrying on with the pregnancy. 

It doesn't make it easier though, I think about it almost everyday. My emotions still are uncontrolled; I don't think my hormones have returned back to their normal levels yet. It really hasn't been that long. Some days are good, others are hard. Like today, it was supposed to be a happy exciting day."

What the eff...

Is it just me or did somehow my recap post get replaced with my exact post from yesterday?!?

I don't understand what's going on... Not impressed and way too tired to redo it.. Kinda hoping I go to sleep and magically it fixes itself. I'm sure that is highly unlikely.

:(

The things they don't tell you...

So I apologize in advance but this blog may be pregnancy focused in the upcoming days/weeks.
I will try my hardest to get to posting all the other things I want to share but being that my days are numbered I feel the need to post a few pregnancy things.

For starters, there are lessons to be learned in life naturally, people will pass on wisdom but some things are just not spoken about. Or at least not by the people I know. The following is a list of things I've learned or experienced these past few months:

1) Your vagina will swell. At any given time, for no apparent reason. Just when you think it's back to normal the swelling will return. It's a pretty uncomfortable/odd feeling and can happen pretty early on.

2) Being pregnant does not mean you are free from buying feminine hygiene products. In fact you might just want to invest in stocks for your favorite brands, pads and panty liners will be a godsend and save you from some uncomfortable potentially embaressing moments. As you near the end of your pregnancy you may find yourself justifying the need to wear huge nighttime pads "just in case" your water breaks, Despite being told they will not help if it does.

3) You will pee yourself. Don't think just because you've made it to 35 weeks with no leaks it won't happen. You know what you get for being all smug? Pee running down your leg that's what.

4) Coughing hurts muscles you never knew existed in your body.

5) Sometimes when you feel your unborn child move inside it will gross you out so much you will gag. No matter how much you love them, how cool or neat you think it is. It's still gross and it's ok to feel that way.

6) You may develop skin tags, they can appear anywhere including on your vag.

7) Despite being told you will have the raging hormones of a 15 year old boy, you may actually have the opposite. Going weeks almost months without having sex won't even phase you, in fact it might even repulse you.

8) People will become annoying. Absolutely everyone will have an opinion wether you want it or not. Some will be nice and sincere and others so rude and judgmental you may find yourself wanting to beat down a 95 year old women in church.

9) No matter how much people share with you about their experiences or how many questions you ask your doctor something will come up and you will worry your the only one. Chances are if your experiencing it someone else did too.

10) Pregnancy brain is legit. Im not sure if it's in a medical dictionary but it will not only affect your memory but also effect your ability to function in society. You may forget how to pronouce a word as simple as banana, forget how to spell words from your 4th grade English test, even forget how to complete a full sentence in English.. But it doesn't stop there, you might go to the store and forget what you needed, may leave the house without shoes. People may just wonder if you suffer from some sort of intellectual disability.

There have been lots of other things that have come up, but for myself they were expected. I'm sure there also were things that surprised me that I just can't think of...

If anyone has something to add please feel free to share :)

35 weeks recap so far

So I'm not sure where my original recap went... But here is a recap of my recap ;) I hope I didn't forget anything that was in the original

As I am retyping this I am currently 36 weeks 2days;
however nothing has changed since the original post that somehow disappeared.

Weight gain?
my weight has climbed to massive numbers on the scale but I am choosing not to worry since I remain all belly with the exception on the crazy swelling from my knees down and my hands. Total gain at 35 weeks - 51 pounds!

Stretch marks?
Still none on my belly despite how massive it is, that tiny one on my hip from my 2nd tri recap became multiple small ones (on both hips) pretty much the morning after posting that. I also discovered that each thigh has a cluster where it connects to my butt. This might sound funny but I've always IMO had a fairly nice ass...I'd gladly relocate those stretch marks elsewhere if it was an option lol

Cravings?
I have had the occasional random craving after seeing a food commercial, or smelling something delicious but nothing requiring hubby to drive out in the middle of the night. I might be going to easy on him ;) I do have some favourite can't do without foods tho. Gravy is still a big love, hubby's pointed out that pasta of any sort has become my go to meal (this could be for convenience) and anything peanut butter flavor including cereal. Oh don't forget cereal in general. LoL now I don't count these faves as "cravings" because I don't literally crave them, I just seem to chose them regularly.

Movement?
Baby boy is running out of room! His movements have more of a schedule now and there is a lot (and I mean a lot) of rolling going on. It feels so weird. Any kicks or punches tend to have more of a slide sensation than jab, unless they connect with my hip or rib (ouch)

Gender?
Still a boy we hope lol, after that last 3D peek I'd be super shocked if we ended up with a baby girl!

Sleep?
Sleep has been inconsistent for a long time. It consists or short 2-3hour naps waking to either reposition or pee. Comfort is really becoming a factor at night now, and the "get your sleep now" comments from friends, families and strangers are getting really annoying!

Mood?
Still pretty good. I have my days where I am slightly irritable, or tear up easily but most days are good :)

Swelling?
As mentioned in weight gain I have massive amounts of swelling. My hands swell so much it sometimes can be difficult to bend my fingers. Legs ankles and feet are getting larger by the day, and sometimes painful or itchy. I think if you poked me with a pin I might spring a leak. There is no better time of day anymore I am just swollen. Oh and the verdicts out on my face, some recent pics make me think it's starting to swell now too.

Other mentionable things?
- I had my baby showers (one per family) on the 5th and 6th. We got a TON of clothes, a shopping trip is in order for a few must have items still but we should be fine if babe decides to come early.
- speaking of early, at my OB appointment Feb3rd it was determined I had lost my mucus plug and was dilating (2cm at that time). My uterus was also measuring ahead and I'd had the occasional contractions as my body "preps itself" Dr thinks we may have a February baby, but did say I could stall in progress and go late.
- My stomach has dropped. Babes head has been in position for a few weeks but now it shows.
- Depending how he is positioned I have sciatic nerve pain. Not fun.
- my last day of work was Feb 3rd :D I am now on "sick leave" while I wait to start my mat leave.

I think that was all with a few details I had left out, I will leave you again with the same pictures. Clothed belly is 35weeks exactly, and bare belly is 3 days later when I noticed he'd dropped.