I want to start by apologizing for my absence, MV has been sick and barely sleeping. As a result hubby and I have been sick and barely sleeping.
Despite my sleep deprivation I felt I needed to write this morning. I'm not sure if I will find the right words to express how I am feeling but I needed to try. My brain is overwhelmed, and confused; struggling between blocking out yesterday and trying to clearly remember. I'm angry and sad, and scared, really scared. My heart feels like its ripping in half while its lodged in my throat. Tears have been pouring down my face for hours.
This should be easy, no doubt or hesitation, if you've never been in this situation you would think the decision was obvious. I know I felt that way before.
But now in the moment of it all my heart is breaking, the guilt inside is unbearable and I can't help but think of all the ways this could have been prevented. Can't help but feel responsible, like its my fault.
My dog, my amazing loving loyal dog is laying by my feet as I sit rocking in MV's room. She assumes this position almost every time I sit here. She loves him do much, I know that. She has since he was born. Always so attentive to him whenever he cries, she has become my back up when he is inconsolable I just call her near and MVs face will light up, he stops crying.
MV love her too. So much this hurts even more, and makes me feel I've let him down. I keep picturing them playing together, him giggling away as he "sneaks" her treats and shares his good. Or how he smiles real big and leans into her when he wants her to lick his face. I feel like he is losing his best friend, I really truly believe that. At only 9 months old I'm sure he will move on quickly, forget her even. Dear god I hope he does because the sight of him looking for her, or the sound he makes when he is calling to her will kill me every time.
I rescued Daisy from the shelter, at just over a year old I was her third owner. Her hound instinct had brought her there, as she kept running away and previous owners had enough. The bond I felt with her was instant, she was my dog, meant for me to find her. Those first few years I had her were tough years for me. I had flunked out of my first year of college, living in a new city away from family and friends. My anxiety was out of control, on the verge of depression and she helped me thru it all. She made me feel safe, she gave me a purpose and without her I don't even want to think of where I would have ended up. And when I started having concerns with my epilepsy, she amazed me again. Her intuition and responsiveness to me before I even could realize what was happening to my body was comforting. She made me feel safe.
She has never been good with other dogs, I'm not sure if anything happened before I found her but I know afterwards I witnessed her get attacked more than once. This as inconvenient as it was, it was ok we managed. I did whatever I could to protect her.
I keep looking at the clock. It's almost 7:00am, in an hour our vets office will open and I will be calling them. Making arrangements to say goodbye to my dog. It hurts so much to think about it, to hit the keys as I type those words. Goodbye.
I have no choice. As much as I love her, as much as I need her, I have to say goodbye to my "first baby". She's like a child to me, she's only a dog but it hurts so much.
She's ten years old now, her hips are bad and she's uncomfortable and in pain every day. So much pain that she has become much more fragile than her petite 26 pound frame already was. She is not strong enough to withstand the physical impact of a 22 pound baby's love. MV has hurt her before, on two previous occasions he has put too much weight onto her fragile hips. She's warned him. Nips at the air in front of his face, and even a low growl. Because of this we are careful, we try to make sure MV does not hurt her and don't let him touch her back side. But last night I wasn't as careful, I wasn't paying attention as the two played at my feet. I'll regret it forever, the memory will be burned into my mind. It happened all too fast but slow motion all at the same time as I watched MV raise to his knees and with both hands reach for the dogs back end. I never thought she would ever hurt him. She loves him so much. In a second it was over, my hands reached out to stop MV but it was too late.
We rushed to the hospital, everyone crying hysterically. There were three open areas on the right side of MV's face. A small slice above his eye brow, a puncture mark near his cheekbone and a gaping open gash on his chubby cheek.
He has 4 or 5 stitches on his cheek between those two spots and is going to be fine. He starts antibiotics today to hopefully prevent any infection.
Daisy knows she hurt him, I feel like she's been trying to say sorry all night. But it's too late, It happened and I can't risk I happening again.
I feel like there's so much else I need to write but my brain has shut off. I can't even proof read this.
