A year later - pt 1

 This week has been a long one. Long for a couple of reasons, the most obvious to most people is that I am extremely pregnant and struggling. The other reason which is not obvious to the observer is that the past week mark the anniversary of our previous pregnancy.

I think I have been dealing quite well, it obviously has been on my mind, but I haven't broken down. Of course there has been grieving and I've gone through the potential scenarios of the "what ifs" and "how our life would be different" if the miscarriage had not of happened. But I am making a conscious effort to put my focus and energy into the life that's growing inside me right now. I think it really helps, I can't even imagine how I would be dealing if I didn't have this little one keeping my spirits up.

I have decided to go ahead and re share my previous posts about the miscarriage. I am posting it in 2 parts as it was done previous on my other blog.  I had started my first blog as a way of coping, and hoping to find others who had experienced loss so I wouldn't feel so alone. I found some of my regular readers that way and I appreciate everything I have learned from them.
So some of you may have read these posts already, but despite that I wanted to bring them here, to keep it all together in the case that I completely delete that blog one day. Also I found it much more therapeutic to re read these posts myself than try to write new ones at this time.

<3 

Originally written February 27, 2011. 


"Today was supposed to be an amazing day. I had it marked on the calendar for weeks, a select few already knew why and others were going to find out. It's the hardest thing sometimes to keep a secret, especially one that had been so exciting. I wanted to announce it to the world so everyone could share my happiness, but I knew better than to so that from watching othersand now more than ever am glad I kept my mouth shut. If you haven't caught my drift yet I'm referring to the fact that today was the day we were going to announce to our families that we were expecting. It hadn't been planned, but was an exciting and welcome surprise. And as the days went on it became more and more exciting. As weird as it may sound I even was excited when I started feeling the sickness. I refer to it as that because it never happened in the morning, only after dinner like clock work between 6&7 pm. I didn't need a watch I knew what time it was. 

Unfortunately it was all short lived, the tell tale physical symptoms (I had practically the whole list) only last about 2 weeks which I thought at the time was odd, but those that knew said I should feel lucky. I had my first prenatal appointment at 9 weeks 1 day, and everything appeared well. A few days later (9 weeks 5 days) we went for the ultrasound. I was so excited and nervous I'm surprised I didn't throw up. Excited to see that exciting little image on the screen, but also nervous at the way my body was feeling. Now here's the thing; I felt fine, great in fact. Too great, with everyday my body was feeling more and more normal and in my gut I think I knew what was happening but hoping I was wrong. The image on the screen didn't make me feel any better. Now the technician was unaware but during my nursing consolidation I had spent some time in the ultrasound lab, I had a general idea of what I was supposed to be seeing... And it wasn't there.

The image was too small, it looked like a blob, at almost 10 weeks it should be starting to resemble a baby and it didn't. So maybe the dates were just wrong, it happens to people, apparently it happened to my mom while pregnant with me... I think Hubby truly thought that's what had happened, but it was just one more thing for me to worry about. There was no heart beat either, although the technician and the hospital doctor didn't seem too concerned. This all happened on a Friday, the day my doctor is not working so I had to wait all weekend worrying. 

Come Monday I called my doctor trying to get some sort of relief, she had me come in to review the ultrasound. Inconclusive. WTF? What kind of results was that? Even she said the report was lacking in details, but hope was not lost (in her mind) we could just be a few weeks ahead of ourselves. So she sent me for blood work and the hospital would contact me for a follow up ultrasound. Two days later I had my confirmation. My hormone levels had indeed dropped, we weren't wrong with our dates, the baby had stopped growing. I was utterly devastated. It didn't seem fair, we were so excited, embracing our unplanned surprise and planning the future. Why did this happen to us? Was god punishing us? Did I do something wrong? I had so many questions running through my head all at the same time feelings of sadness and loss. All the answers I got were the same "it's not your fault", "you did nothing wrong", "it wasn't meant to be"... I know chances are it was simply nature’s way of weaning out the weak, developmentally something was wrong and my body recognized this rather than carrying on with the pregnancy. 

It doesn't make it easier though, I think about it almost everyday. My emotions still are uncontrolled; I don't think my hormones have returned back to their normal levels yet. It really hasn't been that long. Some days are good, others are hard. Like today, it was supposed to be a happy exciting day."

What the eff...

Is it just me or did somehow my recap post get replaced with my exact post from yesterday?!?

I don't understand what's going on... Not impressed and way too tired to redo it.. Kinda hoping I go to sleep and magically it fixes itself. I'm sure that is highly unlikely.

:(

The things they don't tell you...

So I apologize in advance but this blog may be pregnancy focused in the upcoming days/weeks.
I will try my hardest to get to posting all the other things I want to share but being that my days are numbered I feel the need to post a few pregnancy things.

For starters, there are lessons to be learned in life naturally, people will pass on wisdom but some things are just not spoken about. Or at least not by the people I know. The following is a list of things I've learned or experienced these past few months:

1) Your vagina will swell. At any given time, for no apparent reason. Just when you think it's back to normal the swelling will return. It's a pretty uncomfortable/odd feeling and can happen pretty early on.

2) Being pregnant does not mean you are free from buying feminine hygiene products. In fact you might just want to invest in stocks for your favorite brands, pads and panty liners will be a godsend and save you from some uncomfortable potentially embaressing moments. As you near the end of your pregnancy you may find yourself justifying the need to wear huge nighttime pads "just in case" your water breaks, Despite being told they will not help if it does.

3) You will pee yourself. Don't think just because you've made it to 35 weeks with no leaks it won't happen. You know what you get for being all smug? Pee running down your leg that's what.

4) Coughing hurts muscles you never knew existed in your body.

5) Sometimes when you feel your unborn child move inside it will gross you out so much you will gag. No matter how much you love them, how cool or neat you think it is. It's still gross and it's ok to feel that way.

6) You may develop skin tags, they can appear anywhere including on your vag.

7) Despite being told you will have the raging hormones of a 15 year old boy, you may actually have the opposite. Going weeks almost months without having sex won't even phase you, in fact it might even repulse you.

8) People will become annoying. Absolutely everyone will have an opinion wether you want it or not. Some will be nice and sincere and others so rude and judgmental you may find yourself wanting to beat down a 95 year old women in church.

9) No matter how much people share with you about their experiences or how many questions you ask your doctor something will come up and you will worry your the only one. Chances are if your experiencing it someone else did too.

10) Pregnancy brain is legit. Im not sure if it's in a medical dictionary but it will not only affect your memory but also effect your ability to function in society. You may forget how to pronouce a word as simple as banana, forget how to spell words from your 4th grade English test, even forget how to complete a full sentence in English.. But it doesn't stop there, you might go to the store and forget what you needed, may leave the house without shoes. People may just wonder if you suffer from some sort of intellectual disability.

There have been lots of other things that have come up, but for myself they were expected. I'm sure there also were things that surprised me that I just can't think of...

If anyone has something to add please feel free to share :)

35 weeks recap so far

So I'm not sure where my original recap went... But here is a recap of my recap ;) I hope I didn't forget anything that was in the original

As I am retyping this I am currently 36 weeks 2days;
however nothing has changed since the original post that somehow disappeared.

Weight gain?
my weight has climbed to massive numbers on the scale but I am choosing not to worry since I remain all belly with the exception on the crazy swelling from my knees down and my hands. Total gain at 35 weeks - 51 pounds!

Stretch marks?
Still none on my belly despite how massive it is, that tiny one on my hip from my 2nd tri recap became multiple small ones (on both hips) pretty much the morning after posting that. I also discovered that each thigh has a cluster where it connects to my butt. This might sound funny but I've always IMO had a fairly nice ass...I'd gladly relocate those stretch marks elsewhere if it was an option lol

Cravings?
I have had the occasional random craving after seeing a food commercial, or smelling something delicious but nothing requiring hubby to drive out in the middle of the night. I might be going to easy on him ;) I do have some favourite can't do without foods tho. Gravy is still a big love, hubby's pointed out that pasta of any sort has become my go to meal (this could be for convenience) and anything peanut butter flavor including cereal. Oh don't forget cereal in general. LoL now I don't count these faves as "cravings" because I don't literally crave them, I just seem to chose them regularly.

Movement?
Baby boy is running out of room! His movements have more of a schedule now and there is a lot (and I mean a lot) of rolling going on. It feels so weird. Any kicks or punches tend to have more of a slide sensation than jab, unless they connect with my hip or rib (ouch)

Gender?
Still a boy we hope lol, after that last 3D peek I'd be super shocked if we ended up with a baby girl!

Sleep?
Sleep has been inconsistent for a long time. It consists or short 2-3hour naps waking to either reposition or pee. Comfort is really becoming a factor at night now, and the "get your sleep now" comments from friends, families and strangers are getting really annoying!

Mood?
Still pretty good. I have my days where I am slightly irritable, or tear up easily but most days are good :)

Swelling?
As mentioned in weight gain I have massive amounts of swelling. My hands swell so much it sometimes can be difficult to bend my fingers. Legs ankles and feet are getting larger by the day, and sometimes painful or itchy. I think if you poked me with a pin I might spring a leak. There is no better time of day anymore I am just swollen. Oh and the verdicts out on my face, some recent pics make me think it's starting to swell now too.

Other mentionable things?
- I had my baby showers (one per family) on the 5th and 6th. We got a TON of clothes, a shopping trip is in order for a few must have items still but we should be fine if babe decides to come early.
- speaking of early, at my OB appointment Feb3rd it was determined I had lost my mucus plug and was dilating (2cm at that time). My uterus was also measuring ahead and I'd had the occasional contractions as my body "preps itself" Dr thinks we may have a February baby, but did say I could stall in progress and go late.
- My stomach has dropped. Babes head has been in position for a few weeks but now it shows.
- Depending how he is positioned I have sciatic nerve pain. Not fun.
- my last day of work was Feb 3rd :D I am now on "sick leave" while I wait to start my mat leave.

I think that was all with a few details I had left out, I will leave you again with the same pictures. Clothed belly is 35weeks exactly, and bare belly is 3 days later when I noticed he'd dropped.

Hello I&apos;m back :)

So I took a little break, unintentionally but it was needed.

I can't believe January is over, I haven't posted since the beginning of the month, since telling you my 2012 goals lol opps. I just reviewed my goal list actually and I suppose I could scratch off my break as being some "me" time. Ideally I'd like me time more regularly tho.

I've been peeking at everyone's blogs, I still have lots to catch up on though but I've seen some exciting news on a few so far :)

So what have I been doing...
Well to sum it all up as short as possible I have been working tons (almost finished work! Yahoo!),
I've been spending some quality time with hubby,
trying to prepare for baby V,
I've been taking pictures! Despite my inability to post them and link up each week I have been taking them! I've had some issues with my computer but I think/hope it is all resolved.
I have had a few little craft projects on the go I'll show you some possibly in the next week when they are finished.

Other than that it's all been pretty mellow, nothing too exciting just life in general. I was feeling mentally exhausted.

There of course still things being wrapped up from 2011, not so fun things...
In addition to preparing myself mentally for the year mark of our miscarriage, my parents decided they had had enough with their relationship. I don't remember if this was wrote about on this blog of my old one but they almost ended things last year, maybe the fall sometime. Anyways they have decided they are too far gone, I had a suspicion at Christmas but didn't say anything. I'm sad of course but I think I'm ok with it, it's not a shock like last time.

But I'm not going to get into details on anything this post, I wanted to say I am back and here's a recap and I will be back again soon :)

And I will leave you with a pic of my nice fat swollen feet and ankles, I now have to wear hubby's shoes mine are too tight. If you look close you might be able to see my thumb imprint on my left foot.

2012 Resolutions & Goals

So we are a few days into the new year, I hope it's off to a good start for everyone.
We are still wrapping up the remaining tasks of 2011 (getting the car repaired etc), but so far no new catastrophes have occured. Hopefully this year will bring only good things and maybe even be the best one yet :)

I am always hesitant to make a resolution, I feel people including myself pick grand ideas that lose steam weeks or months in. So this year I decided I would pick more specific smaller short term goals, more realistic and easier to achieve.

My goals for the year include the following:

1. Be more organized in every aspect of my life. For this I plan on starting with a routine and expanding my organization into my home environment. Between Pinterest and the organization blogs I read I have plenty of small ideas for this. Even if I only accomplish 1 or 2 of these projects I will be more organized than when I started making this goal met :)

2. Take more pictures. I used to be just like my friend Maria and take pictures of EVERYTHING. It probably was annoying at times lol, my camera was always on hand and every moment captured. This past year was exhausting mentally for me and I lost that desire to take pictures. 2011 was probably the all time low for picture taking for me ever. So to help me get back into the swing of things I am going to do one of the 52 week projects. I've only found this one to link up with so far but if I find more I'll link to them also. I figure once a week is small enough to not be overwhelming, I may take more pictures but only post once a week.

3. Cut out fast food. Here is it, this is my over ambitious goal that I always fail. So I'm going to take it a month at a time and cut out fast food for the rest of January. I could have said all of Jan except I ate at McDonalds yesterday lol.

4. Be a better wife.  Where this goal comes from is from my reflections of the past year, our first year of marriage, the stressors we've encountered, and the craziness of life. Like any couple we've had rough patches over our 8 1/2 years together, and I recognize this baby is going to change the dynamic of our lives even more. I don't want to be one of those married couples that put all their focus on the baby and forget each other. So I'm planning my valentines gift already and it's a gift that lasts all year, in addition to that I am making a better effort to think 2 steps ahead of him and do some of those little things we take for granted. All simple enough but those little things matter.

5. Knock a few things off my 35 before 35 list. How perfect is it I already have a list of mini goals to include in my new years list ;)

6. Take time for me to be me. Life is crazy and stressful and overwhelming at times. I struggle to find the time to do things I "want" to do rather than "need" to do. So I'm highly considering taking designated Me time. I'm not sure how often yet, and maybe creating a routine (goal #1) will help find the time.

7. Be a better sister and friend. This one always has room for improvement. No specific ideas on how to start this yet but again with being a better wife it's the little things that matter.

 I'm sure I could think up even more goals for the year but I'll start with these and see how far I get ;)

Good luck to everyone with all their goals and resolutions!

Recap of 2011

Happy New Years! I am so ready for the new year, I feel like 2011 was the most stressful year for me yet. This new year can only be better. I have my resolution/goal list but before I share that I thought it would be good to do a recap. So let's see 2011...

January
+ started with finding out days after New Years that I was pregnant! After the initial shock and panic this was a good thing. ( we weren't preventing but not 100% sure we were ready)
+ next came a move from our tiny apartment to our 3 story townhouse. Yay for more room!

February
- at 9 weeks found out we had a missed miscarriage
- a week later my body finally tried to miscarry only to have me hemorrhage and have an emergency d&c, narrowly escaping a blood transfusion.
+ I started my first ever blog after discovering others had done the same to deal with loss

March, April, May, June
* These months all sort of blended together for me
- I was struggling to cope with our loss, depression had crept in, anger and jealousy towards anyone happy were also present emotions.
- my relationships with friends, family and my husband were all damaged because of my inability to cope.
- I got let go from my job in early April because of senior co workers dislike of me and my unwillingness to to kiss her ass.
+ because of their being no real reason to terminate me I got a pretty sweet lay off payout
+/- in June I started working again for a previous employer, not ideal but it was a paycheck.

July
+ BFP
- spotting pregnancy scare
+ healthy heartbeat at dating ultrasound found out EDD March 11, 2012

August, September
+ Incubus concert with Hubby (our fave band)
-/+ pregnancy was "outed" at cousins wedding
+ made it into the 2nd trimester
- my parents reveal they are on the verge of splitting

October
+ Hubby and I survive the first year of marriage. Celebrate 1 year married, 8 years together
+ found out were having a boy!
+ started my new blog

November
Nothing terribly exciting or bad happened that I can think of

December
- emergency visit to the vet for the dog $$$
- minor car accident
+ babies are born for cousin and friend
- and December 31st to end the year with a bang I slipped on ice and fell smoking my head of the pavement.

Looking at it all it doesn't feel as bad, however in-between it all there has been lots of stress with fighting with hubby, family, pregnancy hormones etc.
Good riddance 2011